Flaws
by deity of death1
Summary: -"These scars are proof of how I live my life," she said with little empathy, "back then, and right now." A look into her soul while the barriers are temporarily lifted.


_Hey, this is sort of what you might call a **'remake'** of my fanfic, **'Scarred for Eternity'**. I reread it the other day, and obviously finding it not one of my best work, I decided to redo it. And this time, I'm quite sure that this version is better._  
_Thank you for choosing to read this fanfic. I hope that you will enjoy my work, just as much as I enjoyed writing this piece!_

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**Disclaimer:** I'm quite sorry to say that I do **NOT** own **Final Fantasy VIII**, or anything related to **Squaresoft**.

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_So here is the remake version of 'Scarred For Eternity'. Constructive criticism/(good or bad)comments are welcome. Just as long as no profanity is written. (grins)_ _

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**Flaw** **Fujin's POV **

**

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**  
**Ugly.** **  
  
**How I despise that word. Life is built up on appearances... You wouldn't befriend someone who is hideous, now would you? Even if they had a gentle personality? Would you marry someone who isn't in the least, attractive? Even if they were kind and gentle? 

Would you devote yourself to someone who has nothing? Even if your love is mutual, is strong?

_Not many would._

__  
  
Humans base their relationships solely on appearance and background, and not by personality. Sad, isn't it? How humanity has become so vain in these past years.  
  
There was once that quote; _'Don't judge a book by it's cover.'_

But they judge me. Every single one of them; they stay clear of my way, they glare at me, they **fear** me.

Why? Is it because of my eyepatch, my one red eye? Or is it the way I communicate, the way that I shout each syllable? Or the way that I express my anger and frustration, by encouraging violence and abuse?  
  
I sigh wearily. At times like these, I wish I was someone else, in a different body. This morning was the same as any other.. And I had to endure it all. The glares, the snickers, the insults. They think that no matter how vulgar, or thoughtless those remarks they throw at me are, they won't pierce my hard exterior.

But that's a sham. Even though I'm not accepted as who I am, I try to keep a straight face, when in truth, I am suffering cruelly. I suffer mentally and emotionally, but I also feel the pain physically.  
  
How dare they condemn me when the don't even know the real me! When they look at the outside, they see a heartless, dull, unattractive creature who is flawed in every way imaginable.  
But do they dare to look at the inside? 

_...No..._

I twirl a platinum strand in my calloused fingers, smirking momentarily.  
  
I may look like a fragile person who people should pity but, no, I'm not.  
Seriously.  
The people here think they know it all, seen it all.  
The truth is, they haven't.  
What they have known, seen in their lifetime, is nothing compared to what I've been through.  
  
They pretend to be strong, but in reality they aren't.  
They _just_ aren't.  
  
Have they ever lived my life?  
Or even spent one minute in my shoes?  
Hell, even if they did, I bet you that they would by moping in the afterlife before the first thirty seconds are up.  
  
That just proves my point.  
I may never have the abilities to handle a gunblade.  
I know that I'll never posses beauty or grace such to cause envy.  
I also know that the person that I hold affection for.  
I sigh, not wanting to finish the said statement, but nevertheless, continue my words.  
..the person that I hold much affection for will never, never, be able to return those feelings.

_...Still..._

I am not weak. People who actually have the time to know me-population, none- will perhaps change their perspectives of me.  
  
Have it ever _occurred_ to them that _maybe_- just _maybe_ this heartless side of me is just a barrier? A facade?  
Look at Squall-he's cold and arrogant because he's afraid to get to attached, resulting in hurt.  
Selphie. She stays all cheerful and hyperactive-like because she fears being isolated.  
Me? Hmph. Hate to admit it but I'm not much different from Squall Leonhart.  
I'm easily hurt and offended, even though I may not show it. Bitter laughter builds up in my throat.

Though I take out my frustration in bizarre ways.  
Shouting **RAGE!** and kicking Raijin's shins is one way to vent my anger. Though one would think that anger management classes were in dire need. So here it is. You're most likely gonna put me in the 'softy' category. Don't.

My reputation is at stake, and I can't, won't, put it at risk. It's probably the only thing I've got left, besides my only eye and my shuriken. And although I'm ashamed to admit it, I hold no real value. I resist the urge to lower my head. Life has been this way to me; cruel, mocking, and in a way, bittersweet. But that's the way I like it. A challenge is something that I will never back down of and I held pride on that. 

_Pride._

That word.. I never knew how or why, but it had reminded me briefly of Seifer.. 

I allow an icy smile to form on my lips; frustration beginning to hit just now and it was like the world was spinning rapidly.

Ahh.. The old days. Yes, who would've thought that our fearless leader would _abandon _us? _Deceive_ us? Surely not_ I. _Those thoughts had never crossed my mind until a few years back. 

I remember him crawling back to us, straining to ask for forgiveness.  
_Oh_, I had forgiven him alright. What else could I do? Say, **'back off, you traitor**? _Of course_ not. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have had the will to say it. It was known that he was once the sorceress' lap dog.

_Following_ her around, _obeying_ orders, like what a good puppy _should_ do.

One year before, I had been ashamed. Partially ashamed at him, but the other half of myself had agreed to take the blame. Back then, I wouldn't have had the courage to lift up my head and stare into his eyes. The eyes that once held arrogance, pride, and much more. As I look onto the person he has become now, I grieve. _How the passing of years can change a person._ I once held respect for him. And one time, even love. I had been astonished when he still hadn't found out about my feelings for him. But it was okay. I had planned it out like that. Seifer would be free of any bounds. 

_It was best this way._

Without his realization of my emotions towards him, he would be capable of no guilt, unknowing of my unrequited love.

I had heard that if what you had was considered as 'real affection', then you always wanted the one you desire to be happy... even if they are happy without you. Sure, as I watch him flirt aimlessly with a young woman, I would never be in her place.

But as long as _he's_ _happy..._ as long as he's _happy_, _that's_ what matters, _right_?

_ ..Right._

I clench my jaw and hide my fists behind my back.

_This is my sacrifice._

My fists now touch metal; my weapon. The weapon that had shed so much blood, agony, tears.. I guess that the deaths I have caused were to be repented. _My sins_.. There are too many of them. Too many to repent. Surely, I'll end up in hell in the afterlife.

But ironic as that may sound, I feel as though it doesn't matter anymore. Death is always the escape route. Whether you die in an accident or natural illness, it's all the same. I look at my palms momentarily. Would it do me a bit good to even kill myself? No one would care. Of course, Raijin might be a bit mournful, but he'll get over it in time. 

_Seifer..._

I lower my gaze and close my eyes. Somehow, I have got the feeling that if I did die, he wouldn't give a damn.  
Yes, in a few years, I will become nothing. Like a breeze. Swaying delightfully in the air, leaving no trace of its appearance when disappearing.

_No one would even remember._

_It hurts._

But then again, all things hurt.

It hurt when Seifer betrayed us.  
It hurt when I had to stand on Squall's side momentarily, even though inwardly I didn't want to.  
It hurt to discover that Seifer and Rinoa had had an affair that summer, before Raijin and I ever came into the picture.  
It hurts to see my reflection in the mirror, a monster staring back at me with a solemn expression.  
It hurts to see the fear and disgust on people's faces, when they look at me.

It just.. _hurt._

The usual frown was worn on my features as I continued to watch the supposed leader of the posse. The girl from earlier had been found nowhere, and another woman had replaced her.

_Ahh.._ the usual, I see. I closed my eyes, exhaling faintly before melting into the shadows.

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It _screamed_. Screamed to be let out. To unleash the frustration, anger, and the raw emotions trapped inside of its body. It screamed of pain, screamed for the blood had begun to spill and the tears that would refuse to be unleashed.But she held it in. As she did always. The creature inside of her flared up, but quieted suddenly at the soothing voice of its mistress. "Ssshh.. Now is not the time, Pandemona."  
The GF, as if making a move to listen, hesitated before hiding itself in the dark recesses of its mistress' soul. Fujin sighed, exhausted and perspiring profusely. It had been years since she had obtained the creature, and it literally screamed to be let out.  
Of course, back then, she found out that a GF of any kind could feel what it's beholder was feeling. 

Be it anguish, pain, love, _sorrow.._

_'Hyne..'_ She lifted a frail hand to place upon her drenched forehead, breathing heavily.

She was strong, yes.

But every person has their limits, and unfortunately she was on the brink of hers.

It had been awhile since she had let Pandemona out; the last had been when battling alongside Raijin against Squall and his party. Guilt had struck her when the thought of her precious GF in pain flashed before her eyes; but there was nothing she could do. She leaned against the wall of the dark room, as she was overwhelmed by a vivid reminiscence.

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**Flashback**

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Her eyes widened as the T-Rexaur stepped closer and closer. Its claws were glinting dangerously in the intense heat, its tail waving to and fro madly. It had bared it's razor-sharp fangs at her a while ago, and had by now decided to move another step forward.

Trepidation had paralyzed her for the moment, and Fujin opened her mouth, letting out a silent scream. She was disgusted, really.

She had forgotten to junction the sleep spell, therefore giving the fiend a large advantage when facing against her. She cursed under her breath in pain when a claw ripped the tender flesh on her arm, leaving her in a vulnerable position. _'I shouldn't have been so careless.'_ But what had triggered her forgetfulness? She wasn't usually like this. But when she thought back to this day's events, the glare she had unknowingly worn had deepened immensely.

This was the day when Seifer came back. When he had asked for forgiveness. Alas, Raijin was ecstatic at Seifer's return, but Fujin herself could not bring herself to say anything except a shout of **'RAGE!'** and a kick to Raijin's legs, sharper than usual.

She knew she was bitter, and she wasn't afraid of showing it. Stomping down the halls of Balamb Garden that morning, she had glared daggers at every person that stood in her way, even the bystanders. But that wasn't enough. Glaring just wasn't the way to vent out her anger. So she had ended up in the Training Hall and, now she regretted it fully. 

But her mind wasn't on the T-Rexaur itself, nor her unfortunate luck, it was on that damned lapdog. As she stood there in a trance, recalling the past events of that morning, the T-Rexaur charged. Fujin, just then, realized her situation when the fiend's battle cry had been heard and she stood rooted to the ground, taking up on a defense position. But the attack she had expected never came.

Before she could comprehend what was happening, a gust of wind surrounded her, and the GF known as Pandemona had entered, using it's body as a shield to protect Fujin from harm. The T-Rexaur flinched but nevertheless charged again. This time though, Pandemona had began to perform a series of 'Tornado Zone', wiping out the remaining hit points of the dinosaur. 

As the image of the disfigured corpse began to fade, Pandemona turned to greet its mistress. Fujin stared at the creature for what seemed to be a long time, wondering how this GF came to reside in the battle, when not even being called out.

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**End Flashback**

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She winced as she traced the scar on her arm, the scar that had been the result of her carelessness. The scar that had been added to her collection, you could say. On her back were other, faded looking marks, though no one but her knew.

Not even Seifer or Raijin knew.

Her trademark blue shirt had been chosen carefully from the first; something that would cover the scars was necessary. Of course, there were the common marks on her arms and legs; part of the reason why she chose the attire she was wearing now. She would rather choose to die then let anyone look at her bruised skin, she just couldn't bear it anymore.

The burden she seemed to be carrying on her shoulders had become heavier as the years passed, one by one as if on a monotone track, and was now becoming too great to bear. Her red eye had become dull, and the clothes had begun dangling over her thin body.

It was drastic, the change that had come over her. She could even be considered _fragile_ at this instant, not the Fujin that was seen before.

Her journeys had made her rough, her unreciprocated love devoid of emotion, the lack of warmth and the weight of stress, weary. The old Fujin was now replaced by a tired one. A woman that was tired of living repeatedly each day.

Tired of having to live through the stares, glares, and the emotional as well as physical stress.

Tired of having to put on a facade every single minute, tired of having no one to care for her, and tired of having no one to care for....

But most of all, tired of _living._

It was all she could do to stop from taking her shuriken and stabbing her wrists. Suicide was something that she thought of often in the sleepless nights, always solitary.. but.. that was how she wanted it to be, right?

_'...Right...'_ came the voice from the darkest recesses of her mind.

..No.. No, that wasn't what she wanted. What she desired.. What she desired was a normal life. Free of SeeDs, free of the hurt, tears, and blood. It wasn't her fault that she was born like this. It wasn't her fault that she was only but a little disabled. Her vision might have been not the greatest, but she could clearly see that she was useless here. And if she wasn't needed, then she wanted to leave.

_Yes, it's easy to escape from this wretched world, isn't it?'_ That anonymous voice in her head tormented her yet again.

'Why can't you leave me alone?'

_'..Because you won't let me.'_

Fujin glared madly at the ceiling and shut her eyes tightly. 'Just go away!! Go away and leave me alone... _alone..._'

_'..Ahh, but you are in pain. Won't it feel good to escape from this place? To actually rest without the doubts? The fears...'_ __  
  
Fujin trembled and shook her head harshly. 'No!! Go away!!'

_'..You know you want to.. Just one quick slash on your wrists.. Just one.. It would be painless and quick... Everything will fade away, leaving you and only you. Everything and everyone will be left in this worthless planet.. Just think of it...'_

Fujin shook her head again, as if trying to rid of the tempting thought. 'No...please..go away..'

_'...As you wish...'_

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And it went away. 

Fujin opened her clenched eyes then leaned against the railing on the wall to support herself as she stood up. These 'demons' would return, she felt it. She rubbed her bare arms together, circulating warmth, before leaning back against the wall, two streaks of salty liquid pouring down her pale face.

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She observed the unsuspecting person from her position on an isolated table in Balamb Garden Cafeteria. Her long, platinum bangs shadowed her features as she continued watching her.

Rinoa... _Rinoa Heartilly._ _  
  
_Fujin sighed regretfully as she looked at the laughing woman before her. Come to think of it, who would not be envious of that woman? The platinum haired woman regained her composure then plopped her legs onto the miniature table, letting her thoughts range widely and wandering, as far as they could.

_There she goes again.. Never believed that this much luck could be bestowed on one person..'_

One would think that that woman was lucky enough. She had alluring features, two men after her, and the powers of a sorceress.

She had then again, proved Fujin's first theory wrong, showing off the bracelet that Squall Leonhart had surprisingly given her. The occupants of the table, consisting of Instructor Quistis Trepe, Selphie Tilmitt, and the girl from the library, gasped in shock before praising Rinoa. Fujin smiled sadly, then turned her head swiftly when the instructor glanced her way. In a way, she was jealous. Or perhaps envious... But that couldn't be helped. Being an outcast had been normal to her, but the feeling of being left out, nabbed at her stomach. She wouldn't dare to lie; she wanted to experience life the way Rinoa Heartilly did. She wanted to be envied, adored, but most of all, loved. She couldn't remember being ever loved in her entire existence, and the thought of it now seemed so impossible, so out of reach. 

But just as her pessimistic thoughts continued, a high shrill could almost be heard.

A chill ran down her spine as she finally sought out Pandemona's silent cry... It was bleeding again.

She clutched her chest as if in pain, trying to soothe the demon that rooted itself inside of her. At long last, it stilled, giving Fujin some, if not a lot, of relief. Her pained gaze traveled to look at each random person in the room.

_'I've always been told that life would change for the better.'_ _  
  
_'But I guess that it just wasn't meant to be.._not at this lifetime._'

Destiny is a conniving predator who takes pleasure in torturing, twisting, and turning people's lives upside down. Right now it was torturing and perhaps even twisting Fujin's way of life.

_'Oh, and they say that misery loves company'_

She chuckled lightly, not wanting to attract the attention of other people in the cafeteria.  
  
_Life has it's ups and downs. My life has been filled with downs. You get some, and you lose some. I lost all and never gained anything._

_  
  
The world is defined as this: Malicious, merciless, and traitorous. You wouldn't believe how many tears were shed in my lifetime, how much blood has been spilled. It's like a scale; happiness on one side, unhappiness residing on the opposite side. Same as light and dark. The scale is supposed to be equal, balancing to and fro, randomly choosing a side for the moment, then swaying back and forth again, repeating the cycle. You never know where it will land, and you will never know. Life is a seductive mystery; luring it's victim into the shadows, rarely ever letting its captive see the light. _

It was once said, somewhere, that when you are originated, you die slowly each day. Each second, you grow older, each minute you grow weaker, each hour you tire easier, each day you grow depressed, and as each year passes, death comes that much closer to you. The purpose of life is death as is the purpose of light is dark.

_'I've been treated so unfairly all of this time; though, it's too late to fix the damage already done.'_

Fujin inspected her bandaged wrists, knowing that underneath the layers of bandages were cuts.

She smiled eerily before standing up from her position, sending a last glance to the room filled with people before her.

_**'These scars are proof of how I live my life, back then, and right now. More scars lay behind these pieces of clothing, each one telling a particular story.'**_

**__**

And though the physical appearance was slightly battered and bruised, the inward appearance of the wind goddess was the same throughout in structure.

Emotional scars have been made; they say that a scar or bruise heals in time, but in this certain woman's case, you could say that no remedy, no matter how strong it is, will ever erase it.  
Because even if it did, the remembrance would still remain, reminding her briefly of all that she went through, of how she is crippled, even if not physically.

_Scarred for life._

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**End**

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**Thank you so much** _for taking the time to read this. But back on topic, **'Scarred For Eternity**'_s_ sequel, **'Mend These Broken Wings'** was deleted, because personally, I think that I could've_ _done better than that._ _  
  
So after a few of my other fanfics are finished, I just might make a sequel to this, or perhaps another fanfic of Fujin. The decision will be heavily swayed, depending if the readers**(you)** like it or not. And to those that had read **'Scarred For Eternity'**, I hope that you review and tell me what you think about the revised version!! _

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**Note** **-** I give my gratitude to **Vick330** **(author of some of the greatest Fujin/Final Fantasy fanfics),** who helped me in the makings of this fanfic. **THANK YOU SO MUCH, VIC!!**

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Until next time!!

**deity of death**


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